Welcome to my personal-ish journal where I dump thoughts and feelings~
Written on: 7/22/24
Listening to: Hypnagogia - Private World
We moved into a rental house with a friend in the beginning of this month. It's cozy, and I like it, but I find myself still missing the comfort of the tiny-ass apartment we lived in before. I've been out of work as of living here since I had to leave my old workplace, and finding a new one with close proximity (we share a car) has proven to be a bitch. Luckily, my old manager from an old workplace is looking for a new hire, and our new place just so happens to be in the same area. I feel... Lost though. Like, how long am I really going to be working these little service jobs? I want to feel ashamed of myself. I want to feel like a failure. But the truth is, any job is a REAL job. Yeah I have a degree I'm in debt over and am not using, but hell, as long as the bills get paid and we're happy, who fucking cares? It's still difficult to shake off these feelings though. It's especially hard to do so when I'm between jobs. Money isn't an issue, I guess I'm just bored. I'm going to dive into sewing this week. Lets hope it's enough to keep me occupied.
Written on: 1/17/24
Listening to: Always - Erasure
I had a wonderful holiday season. We went to my parent's house for Christmas and it was fun! I even got to see my sis, which usually has me nervous, but it was nice to see her after so long. Last week, we went to visit my in-laws which was also very lovely. I feel closer to them and my sibling in-laws, and I think it's thanks to this new perspective on differences I've adopted. My in-laws are republican-conservative folks who--at first--had me really on edge to interact with as a brown, queer person. I was scared of what they'd say and also harbored some anger about their views. Their son, who I married, is nothing like them. The first few times I was brought over to visit was rough because it was in the midst of the Tr*mp presidency, and everyone in this country seemingly held up imaginary weapons against others whose views did not match theirs.Uncomfortable conversations were brought up a couple of times, and I had begun to sort of dread visiting. This time, however, was much different. In fact, I think the last few times we saw them have been different than before. Uncomfortable conversations are brought up much less, and we're really learning to just enjoy each other's company and be close--political differences aside. How on earth are we ever supposed to get along if we are immediately judging and avoiding others because of different beliefs? I see so many people online just absolutely berate each other because of this stuff. It's like theres this giant ravine that keeps widening and keeping people further and further apart. Family members just straight up not knowing how to act with each other because of differences and basically disowning one another. It's heartbreaking. I wish more people would try to just be a little more kind to each other. Maybe then, we can understand each other more. My husband said something I really liked the other day-- "Everyone is out here just trying to do what they believe is the right thing." I know there are genuinely bad people out in the world, but I think there are also a lot of GOOD people who maybe have not-so-great views because of their upbringing or who they're surrounded with. I don't really know where I'm going with this, but I guess what I'm trying to say is, everyone deserves kindness. We should all strive to talk to more people and learn more about each other. I think the world would be a lot more of a happier place if we did.
Written on: 11/28/23
Listening to: Road to Nowhere - Talking Heads
I guess for better context, I'm 26 years old, happily married, and I have a degree in music education that I ditched to become a coffee barista/bartender in the downtown area of the city I live in. It used to be really hard making myself feel like I wasn't a failure for leaving the education field after all the money in loans I pulled out just for my degree. I thought it was what I wanted, and guess what? It wasn't! It happens to a lot of us. I'm just lucky to have an awesome husband who's job allows us to have a pretty comfortable life. I like my job too, it's relaxing and lets me read all the books I want~ So life feels pretty great. While husband is away at work, I cook and clean. I certainly didn't expect to be living the housewife life but I'm not complaining. The problem is, I tend to spiral quite a bit about things while I'm alone with my thoughts. The usual topics are: worrying about my two dear friends who struggle with income and medical problems, wondering why it's so hard for me to make friends, how am I ever going to come out as nonbinary to my family, and the constant irrational fear of an electrical fire starting in my home or the building collapsing with us still inside. Lately, with the days getting shorter, I've found myself in a mess of emotions. I thought that keeping myself more busy would help me from sliding into these thoughts, but it doesn't always do the trick. I don't know what the answer is. Sometimes the realization that my problems are so small compared to the problems other people face makes me feel a little better--until I start spiraling thinking about how hard life is for lots of people and that housing/food shouldn't be so damn expensive. I just get in my head too much. Maybe I just need to interact with more people.
Written on: 12/1/23
Listening to: Hair On Fire - Vestron Vulture
With the entrance of December--besides the holidays being in full swing--comes the closing of the Fall semester for college students. Neither me or my husband are in college anymore, but we DO have a good friend who is and will be free within the next week or so. Husband suggested that our friend, who I'll call "C", should come visit when he's all done. Him and his family live in a small town north of the city we live in. About an hour away. I'm stoked at having C over again and hanging out at some bars! Anyway, this morning we were talking about the upcoming hang, and it dawned on me that maybe C should come move in with us. This isn't the first time we've toyed with the idea; our city is very expensive to live in, so living with roommates is extremely common for people. Our lease for our current apartment is up next summer, and we sure as hell want to move out of this cramped place and get out of the downtown area. C is studying computer engineering and wants to get a tech job. He'll have his Master's by the end of next Spring if I remember correctly. Our city happens to be one of the greatest places for tech jobs in our state and would be very beneficial for him. Also, C is a very great long time friend of my husband and I'm extremely fond of him too. He's very responsible and kind. Has all the qualities we'd want in a roommate. Plus, it would be so much fun living with a roommate again! We all have the same interests so it's perfect! Husband had been iffy about the topic of having a roommate in the past because he likes our privacy, but we spoke about it again and he agrees. It's a win-win for everyone. We would get to rent a house and have the space we've always wanted for a lower cost since we would be splitting rent, AND C would have a great shot at finding work and moving out of his parent's house. We're going to suggest it to him when he comes over soon. I'm super excited!